2.63 I want to be happy, but ?

( my apologizes if its not the best English 😁)

How to have the courage to go further in life when you lost a dear one through suïcide? I lost my brother, a friend and a becong friend, three people who commited suïcide. And in the past me also tried it because life was too tough for me. Though my heart, my soul wanted to live. But... the fact that three dearones commited suïcide  made me think that it all was my fault. ( and that there was something terrible wrong with me)

Though ... That’s an impossibilty  that it was my fault. You and me have done more than our best. We are only human. No super creatures who are able to change the lifes of others. 

I think and feel- now that I get older and  more dearones passed over, that the most important thing in Life is, is to be friendly towards yourself. Really friendly. Being more and more my own best Friend has helped me in my life. And Yes I have Friends. Dear Friends. But the longest krelationship on Earth we all have in our life is with ourselfes. So be good to yourself. Understand yourself. Understand your feelings. Cry with the rain.  Feel empty with the Moon and  rise and shine with the Sun. Accepting our feelings is healing. It is friendly. Every breath we take is a new breath. A new moment. We can choose. 

Letting go dearones is not forgetting them. How to forget someone we love?  Moments come and go. Come and go. Like the tides of the sea. Accepting is a proces that takes time, years, and we never rememberd dearones why  would they have lived?

There are moments that it goes well. There are moments that I feel so terrible blah and that everything seems dark. What use does it have to live further? 

It helps me to think that I am not the only one. It helps me to think that there are worse things, without that I bagatalise the losses  and what I have been gone though my life.

This year I learned to bath in gratitude. And yes also in all the losses. More than ever. Though more in gratitude.  I motivate myself daily to write a gratitude countdown from 10-1 ( Thank you Calm app)It is healing for my heart and soul. And yes I know, I know there is so much to not be 
grateful for and  all the people who allready passed over. Though we cant change that. Letting go
 is for me accepting my pain and make choices. The only thing we can change to make life 

bearable is to look with friendly eyes and an open heart to myself and the world in my 
surrounding. To listen to my heart and soul who  wants not to mourn all the time.  The heart wants to go for life force in stead of  deathforce.  The heart is lifeforce. The heart wants friendlyness. Kindness. Love. Peace, My heart was always searching for love and understanding elsewhere. My heart knows now that it can find it at home. In me. And yes, its vulnurable. The World judges, There are people doesnt understand my highsensitivity, like the people  didnt understand my Brother. Though ... I understand myself now and I understand that lots and lots of people dont accept their own feelings. Aaa😢

Try it, the Gratitude countdown. It does something to your heart. And yes, the ego will say. I want 
to be happy, but ...

Oké, if ego sais that. Just fine. Understand it. Its a struggle. But your own heart, your own life is 

worth  fighting for . Is worth making choices for.  

.But I knew over the years to listen, understand and diminish the voice of my inner critic that echoes from the past. Isnt it nheartbreaking to condemn yourself, while you're in mourning? Others do though. Let's not kid ourselves. Lets look with  friendly compassionate eyes to your self and others  with an open heart. Yes, thats often  still very difficult. But by the time I will pas over, I mightbe have learned it.

 Each house has or gets his own cross, no one excluded. Understanding that, is also understanding  myself. Is also understanding your, mine ego.

 The ego that always says: I now though happy, but ... through which you can be overtaken by 
self-pity and your heart  will even  be more fed with grief. My ego can now also speak out a list , 
but I chose not to. I understand my grief. I understand my heart that no longer against that grief 

can.

So ... I do daily now my gratitude count down and it makes life really much more worth living. Yes, there are moments that it still is difficult, thats’s oké. 

Accept that we are human.

Heartbeat 💕to heartbeat 💕greetings from me to you.

And Yes ... I know, everyone does it on his own way. And that is just fine, mourning takes time. And when you are in Deep mourning than its not yet the time to be grateful? Give yourself the time. Its your way. 

I wish everyone a as happy, motivated possible 2019.  And  may it be possible that you give your heart, your lifeforce give  a reason to live. That’s my wish,

🍀🌳💕🌳🍀
This writing I posted also on the forum of http:w//www.treesofmemory.com